Not Perfect
by LostObsession
Summary: It wasn't supposed to be like this...Jack's thoughts on having to keep the secret of Michael's betrayal during the S2 finale. Contains spoilers for the finale. Jack's POV. Some implied Jate. 3rd in the Choices Series. Oneshot.


**A/N: **Once again, I started writing the next story in my Choices Series earlier than expected. However, this time, I unfortunately developed a case of writers' block while I was writing, so it didn't turn out as good as I wanted it to be. That's why it was uploaded later than I would have liked it to be as well. Also, just as a reminder: this is the third story in the series, another oneshot, this time centering around Jack's POV during the finale. It's dedicated to all of the reviewers and my brother, who wanted me to write Jack's POV next instead of Locke's POV.

**Disclaimer: **Lost belongs not to me but solely to J.J. Abrams, Damon Lindelof, and all of the people at ABC, Touchstone Television, and Bad Robot that help to make it.

**_Reviews: _**

Thanks again to _hjr_, this time for reviewing and complimenting me on my last oneshot, _Just My Luck_. I'm very glad you thought Hurley wasn't OOC and that you enjoyed the story! I love hearing what you and everybody elsehas to say, so please keep reviewing!

Now, for the story...

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The Burden of a Leader

I hadn't wanted to believe Sayid when he told me he suspected, and later was certain that Michael, one of our friends and fellow survivors, had been 'compromised.' It hadn't seemed real. I just couldn't believe that Michael would turn against us. Michael, who had always been so dependable.

Ever since we had crashed here, Michael had been determined to find a way to get off this island, not just for himself, but for his son and everyone else. Maybe I should have realized it then that he would do anything to protect Walt and get off this island. But he was our friend, and I wanted to think the best of him. I didn't want to believe that someone I had lived on an island with for the last few months could be capable of betraying his friends, and even killing some just for a chance to be free and get his son.

Sure, there was Sawyer, who might not hesitate to turn on anyone. After all, he was a con man. But somehow, now, after living with him on the same island and getting to know him, I don't think he'd betray us like Michael did. He might; it was certainly possible. I mean, I admit I had been wrong about Michael. But Sawyer? I don't know. There was something about the Southerner I just couldn't place, and I still can't. Sometimes he's exactly what you would think a con man would be, and then sometimes, he's not.

So, even though I hadn't wanted to believe Sayid, I knew deep down that he was probably right. He knew how to read people, being in the Republican Guard, and I trusted him. I trusted him more than anyone else on this island except maybe Kate. I'd agreed with him when he suggested a plan, because I trusted him, and because, as he'd said, "All we have is the element of surprise, Jack." And he was right. Before everything had happened, that's all we did have.

Because of Sayid, going into this, we'd had a plan. I'd had a plan. A plan which had been concrete, foolproof. Nothing could go wrong, or so I'd foolishly thought, because we'd had a plan. The plan had been everything.

"This time they will know that we are coming." Wasn't that what Sayid had said? Well, they'd certainly known that we were coming, just not in the way we'd wanted them to. They were supposed to know that we were coming to confront them once and for all, to get Walt back. Not to know we were coming so they could capture us.

**_It wasn't supposed to be like this._** Michael was supposed to lead us to their camp. He wasn't supposed to lead us to a clearing filled with capsules that held hundreds upon hundreds of notebooks, each inscribed with the Dharma logo on the front and containing hand written entries that were invasions of privacy, if there was such a thing on the island. He wasn't supposed to lead us to a clearing where we would be surrounded by the Others, shot with darts, and then captured. That hadn't been a part of the plan. Nothing that had happened had been a part of the plan.

Sayid and I had it all worked out. While Michael led Kate, Hurley, Sawyer, and I to the Others' camp, Sayid and his team would approach by the water using Desmond's boat. Once they reached the beach, Sayid would use the special leaves to start a fire that produced black smoke, and my team and I would meet them there. Then, we would all go in together. That had been the plan. The same plan that, at the time, had seemed so faultless. The same plan that was ultimately ruined by Michael and his reckless desire to get his son back at any cost.

At least I had headed into the dangerous situation that would await already aware that it was almost certain that Michael was going to try and catch us in a trap. Unlike my friends, I had knowledge ahead of time of the rescue mission being a setup by Michael. I was able to make a fully informed decision about whether I wanted to risk my life trying to rescue Walt when I knew it was all a plan by Michael to trap us. My friends, however, didn't. They didn't know anything- not that Michael had been compromised, not that the rescue mission was just a cover for his trap, not even that Michael was going to set us up, to betray us.

I felt extremely bad about lying to them, about keeping the information a secret from them, throughout the entire time we were heading out and then traveling to what was supposed to be the Others' camp. But all the while, I knew I couldn't tell them. Telling them would only put even more in danger, and if anything happened to them, I would never be able to forgive myself.

It was as we were preparing to leave the beach, right after I had handed out all of the guns to everyone except Hurley, who declined the offer of one, that I faced the first test of my resolve to keep everything a secret from them. Kate was having doubts about the Others truly being hillbillies as Michael had said. Pulling me a little bit aside from the group, she pointed out what she and Claire had discovered at the Others' hatch medical station, her thoughts clearly being that nothing added up. People who had a medical station and were smart enough to disguise themselves using fake beards and makeup seemed almost too advanced, too civilized, to be hillbillies. Determined to make things add up, Kate had settled on the idea that the Others just wanted to make us believe they were hillbillies, and, wanting to get my opinion or thoughts on the whole situation, she voiced this idea to me.

I suddenly felt horrible. Kate had no idea how close to the truth she really was. Michael had lied and was planning to lure us all into a trap. Kate, Hurley, even Sawyer- they all deserved to know. They all deserved to be forewarned as I had been. It wasn't fair to persuade them to agree to come along without them knowing that the mission we were all about to embark on was a lot more dangerous than it seemed, even if Sayid and I did have a plan.

However much I may have wanted to reveal everything though, I knew I couldn't tell my friends the truth about what was really going on. The element of surprise was really our only hope, as Sayid had said. If we lost it...No. What I was doing, not telling them, concealing the truth from them, was for the best. But lying directly to Kate's face was not going to be easy. What could I say? How could I tell her I didn't agree, although secretly I did, and not hurt her or raise her suspicions that I was lying?

Thankfully, I was never forced into an awkward situation like I feared, because, before I could even open my mouth to answer her, Michael, who had overheard our conversation, quickly interrupted. Seeming very upset that his word hadn't been enough to dissolve any of Kate's doubts, Michael argued that he was the one that had spent time with the Others and seen how they lived firsthand. He said that no one should be worried because, "they have no idea we're on our way."

I was aware that his statement wasn't true. Michael was lying once again, and although it angered me, there was nothing I could do about it without admitting the truth. All I could do was stand back and watch as someone who had, at one time, been our friend lied straight to our faces while feeling guiltier by the second for failing to correct Michael with the truth and end all of the lies. For allowing my friends to believe him and leave on a mission without having any idea of the danger that lay before them.

The start of our trek through the jungle proved to be the setting for the second test of my resolve. Only this time, my resolve wouldn't be tested by one of my friends who was being kept in the dark but by Michael himself, the guy whose plans my friends were being kept in the dark about.

It was just after the incident with the gigantic bird that swooped down at us and allegedly called out Hurley's name that Sayid and I's plan was almost ruined. Michael, in the process of reflexively trying to shoot the bird whose sudden appearance had shocked us all, discovered that he had an unloaded gun (something I had deliberately done to ensure that no one's safety would be jeopardized if Michael tried to turn the tables on us) and turned to me with a questioning and very suspicious stare. For a moment, I felt fear wash over me, and Sayid's words echoed in my head. "No! Michael can not sense we know he is lying!" Trying hard to salvage the plan while pushing my fear aside, I quickly apologized and presented him with a new magazine for his gun- this time a full one. Although Michael accepted my apology and story without complaint, he still seemed a little suspicious of me after that, so I tried my best to act as though everything was normal, and hoped he didn't suspect anything was off.

I hated lying to my friends, even Michael, but I knew there might not be any other way. Besides, it wasn't like Michael wasn't lying. The only difference between Michael's lies and mine was that I was lying for everyone else's own good and protection while Michael was lying in order to make us believe he was still on our side so it would be easier to trick us. I had to think of everyone's safety. If I revealed the plan then we would all be in more danger than we already were, especially now that Michael possessed a loaded gun.

I didn't like thinking Michael could really try to physically harm us. After all, he had been our friend for the whole time we had been stranded on the island up until now. However, I had to wonder how well any of us really knew Michael. Just because we were living with him on the same island for a couple of months didn't mean we knew everything about him. We had no idea what he might be capable of, and I was already beginning to suspect that he had played a part in Ana-Lucia's and Libby's murders. It was awful to think about, but it made sense. Michael had been the only other one in the hatch at the time the murders had occurred, and somehow I doubted that Ana-Lucia, a cop, would have been stupid enough to let Henry escape, whether purposefully or accidentally. She never would have put her guard down unless she was with a friend, someone she thought she could trust. The only person that could have been was Michael, and if I was right, we were all in a lot of trouble if he found out I had discovered his plan. I reminded myself to be very careful about what I said to him over the rest of the journey and to watch him very closely. As hard as it was to admit, Michael just couldn't afford to be trusted, and I couldn't afford to let my guard down. Not until the whole thing was over, anyway.

That was why, as we made camp after Michael had reluctantly agreed that we should stop for the night, I saw him disappear from view behind some trees, heading away from us. Curious, and not forgetting the promise I had made to myself about keeping an eye on him, I told my friends I would be right back and followed. When I had finally caught up to Michael, he was standing near a tree. Not wanting him to think I was spying on him, although that was exactly what I was doing, I spoke up, asking him what he was doing, to which he replied something to the effect of, "Just getting some more firewood."

Immediately, I knew he was lying. _Just how stupid did he think I was?_ There was no trace of any firewood in his arms, and he had already had more than enough time to get some before I had arrived, which meant to me that his intention in coming out there had been nowhere near collecting firewood. I wondered what he was really up to and if it had anything to do with meeting with one of the Others. It seemed to me that anything was possible. Why else would he sneak off? I offered to help with gathering the so far nonexistent firewood, not bothering to wait to receive his approval.

A long silence engulfed us, and then Michael did something that both surprised and amazed me. _He thanked me._ He thanked me for coming out there with him, for helping him try to save Walt. Even more astonishing was he acted and sounded like he was actually being sincere, which definitely threw me. Did he really mean it? Or was he just playing me again? I decided, for that moment, to just take it as it was. Maybe he was lying and wasn't really thankful at all. Then again, maybe he wasn't. What did it matter? It didn't change the fact that he was still leading us into a trap. Right?

The next day, I will always remember as the day that I finally couldn't take it any longer, the day I finally snapped. I couldn't stand by and watch as Michael lied to us again any longer, which is exactly what he was doing time after time again.

We were walking deeper into the jungle, moving closer to Michael's trap by the second, when suddenly, gun shots ring out. I ducked down and looked around, spotting Kate and Sawyer, both with their guns drawn, shooting at two figures running across from us on the other side of the small river. Sawyer hit one, and the man fell to the ground while the other man fled. The gunshots stopped and it was quiet again. Quickly, without wasting time, we crossed the river. Reaching the fallen man, I knelt, checking his pulse. There was none. He was dead, and I related the news to everyone else. Then, Kate and Sawyer automatically started to head after the escaping man, but I stopped them. They tried to remind me that if the man got away the Others would know we were coming, but they didn't understand; they didn't know what I did. The Others already knew- it was pointless to go after the man.

In my head, I apologized to Sayid for what I was about to do. I never would have imagined that they would follow us, keep tabs on us. But they had. Kate and Sawyer could have gotten hurt, being engaged in a gun fight. It was too dangerous now, for Kate, Hurley, and Sawyer not to know.

With these thoughts, I blurted out that it didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore. The Others already knew we were coming. Kate, Hurley, Sawyer- they all looked at me, confused, hardly daring to believe what I had said. They asked what I meant; how could the Others know? Michael had said that the Others had know idea we were coming.

I was tired of explaining. I was tired of listening to Michael's lies. It was his fault we were in this situation, I was in this situation. He should be the one to explain. Turning to him I asked, "Do you want to explain, Michael, or shall I?"

Michael, for his part, looked shocked and somewhat terrified. He denied everything and said he had no idea what I was talking about. That was when I snapped. How dare he have the nerve to lie to our faces yet again. Even when confronted, he denied everything and tried to escape blame with another lie. It was unbelievable, and I had finally had enough.

I was furious. Grabbing Michael, I pushed him against a nearby tree and yelled at him, shouted at him, until he broke. "I'm sorry," he sobbed. "It was the only way."

For a moment, I was shocked to see him so broken. I was so used to the strong man he had been when we had first arrived on the island, that this change in him momentarily shook me, and I found I was disgusted with myself for the way I had just acted. What had come over me?

But then, Michael started admitting everything, even that he had killed Ana-Lucia and Libby. I glanced around at Hurley, who looked betrayed, hurt, and heartbroken; at Kate, who looked betrayed and horrified, and, last of all, at Sawyer, who looked shocked and betrayed as well.

From what I had gathered, Sawyer had grown close to Michael during the time they had spent together working and then sailing on the raft, and although I felt bad for the Southerner at having to find out the truth about his good friend that way, I felt the worst for Hurley. As soon as Michael admitted he had killed Libby, Hurley, while hurt was still portrayed on his face, looked mad, an emotion rarely associated with him. After all, Hurley was considered by most as something like the island's resident comic, so it was strange to see him express anger. Sawyer I would expect anger from, but not Hurley. Then again, he had seemed to have a very close relationship with Libby, so I could see why he would be mad. Even so, it was heartbreaking to see such a friendly and funny guy become so upset. And it was even more heartbreaking to hear Hurley respond to Michael's remark of Libby being a mistake because he hadn't had time to think with, "But if you'd had time to think, you still would have killed her, right?"

Because of Hurley's reaction, I completely understood why he was making the choice he was when he announced he was going back. However, they hadn't heard the plan yet, and if Hurley left before, everything would be ruined, especially since Michael had revealed the Others had given him a list of the people he had to bring with our names on it. This was why I told Hurley he couldn't go back. I felt horrible about making Hurley stay, but it really was the only way. We had no other choice.

I realized that Kate, Sawyer, and Hurley, as well as feeling betrayed by Michael, felt betrayed by me. They were upset that I had lied to them, and Kate looked especially hurt, making me feel even guiltier. In my desperation to make them understand, I mentioned the plan, and when Sawyer asked about it, I explained it to them completely.

After everything had been sorted out, we were on our way once again, only this time with an added tension in the air. Nobody spoke to Michael, and Michael didn't speak to anyone else. To make up for a lack of talking, everyone spent a lot more time looking at the scenery, so, when we arrived at the clearing, the change in appearance was a bit of a shock. Even more of a shock was the sight of the hundreds of capsules with the Dharma Initiative notebooks inside of them piled up by a sort of chute sticking out of the ground.

My first thought was, "Is this real?" Walking over to the chute, I shook it. It didn't budge and I wondered how it was put into the ground and by whom. I guess I shouldn't have been so surprised at seeing such a strange sight since everyone knew the island was full of mysteries. Hatches. A monster "security system" made of black smoke. The Others. Still, I couldn't help it.

I was startled from my thoughts when Sawyer pointed out a billowing cloud of black smoke rising into the air, no doubt started by Sayid. A feeling of relief engulfed me. We had made it. But then I looked around, and the more I looked the more I began to feel a sense of uneasiness taking over me. This wasn't right. It wasn't right at all. We should have been near the beach, but we weren't. We were surrounded by jungle; we were nowhere near the beach. What had Michael done? Where had he led us? Furious at myself for ever allowing Michael to lead us off track and furious at Michael for doing so, I spun around to face him, and proceeded to shout and question him.

Before Michael could even begin to explain however, everything turned to chaos or, in a manner of speaking, all hell broke loose. Sawyer, who had been standing near me, was suddenly writhing on the ground, resembling a person who was having a seizure, and looking closer, I saw a dart sticking out from his neck. For a minute, everyone was too stunned to move, and then the whispers came and surrounded us on all sides, and a feeling of terror crept over me. I quickly pulled out my gun. We had to get out of here. They couldn't catch us. That hadn't been a part of the plan.

"Run!" I shouted, panicked. We had to try and outrun them. If we could just get to the beach. It was miles away, I knew, but we had to at least try...

Kate, concerned about Sawyer, had rushed over to him, but I knew it was no use. It was my fault he had gotten pulled into this mess, and I felt horrible about having to leave him there, but there was nothing we could for him at the moment. I had no idea what kind of dart he had been struck with, although it was most likely some type of shock dart. Still, I had nothing to treat it with, and we had to get away. Running towards Kate, I grabbed her hand and pulled her along with me, figuring Hurley would follow. I wasn't concerned about Michael- after all, he was on their side.

Although she had been reluctant to leave Sawyer, Kate knew we had to get away. We raced down an incline near the edge of the clearing, and just as we were rounding a small bend, Kate dropped to the ground, a dart in her shoulder. No. Not Kate too.

Anger filled me. Sawyer wasn't enough? They had to try and take Kate too? Cautiously stepping over Kate's body, twisting on the ground, I raised my gun and fired into the bushes until I had emptied it of bullets, wanting to make them pay.

Turning back towards Kate, I tossed the gun aside. Walking over to her, I bent down, and lifted her over my shoulder. They weren't going to get Kate too. I wouldn't let them- at least not without a fight. Struggling against her weight, I half ran, half hobbled until I felt something stab my leg, and, looking down, I saw it was a dart. I knew it was over. I had failed. I had failed Sayid. I had failed Sawyer. I had failed Hurley. Even more, I had failed Kate. At last, unable to overcome the dart's effects, I sank to the ground. The last thing I saw were the blurred shapes of people hurrying towards where we lay, and then some kind of sack was placed over my head and everything faded to black.

After the effects of the dart wore off, we walked. I still couldn't see anything because of the hood, and I knew my hands were bound since I could feel the rope biting into my wrists. I wondered if my friends were alright, and if they were walking with us, although I assumed they were.

It was all my fault. If I had just kept a better eye on Michael and where he was leading us. If I had just told Kate, Hurley, and Sawyer the plan from the start. If we had just done things differently, maybe things wouldn't have turned out this way.

When we had walked for awhile, the ground changed. Instead of the crunch of leaves and the softness of dirt, the ground became harder, like we were walking on wood.

The sounds started to change as well. In the jungle it was mostly quiet except for the occasional whispered voice of one of the Others. Now I could hear water, like the crash of waves, which let me know we were somewhere near the coast or on a beach.

Soon after the scenery had changed, we were told to kneel. I could feel someone next to me on either side and I knew they were my friends, and that one of them was Kate. Our hoods were removed, and I saw I was right. We were kneeling on a long, wooden dock, surrounded by ocean. I was kneeling between Hurley and Kate, with Kate between Sawyer and I. We were all facing the Others, one of which was the familiar-looking bearded man, but I could see some behind us too, their guns pointed at us. Michael, I realized, was also standing with the Others, watching us.

So, none of us had been able to get away, and since we had guns trained on us, I doubted we would get another chance to escape. I hoped Sayid would guess what had happened when we didn't meet him at the beach. He was our only hope now.

Sawyer was difficult at first, and I wished he would just admit defeat. Did he not see what a dangerous situation we were in? He could get us all killed. Did he want to get shot? Besides, all he was accomplishing was angering and amusing the Others. The Southerner seemed to get the hint after the Others roughed him up a bit and shut up, but then Kate mentioned Tom's (or Zeke, as Sawyer called him) fake beard. Initially, I was afraid the Others were going to hurt Kate for knowing too much, but Tom just laughed and thanked her for pointing that out. Apparently, he wasn't too fond of having to wear the fake beard anyway.

A boat approached us and pulled up beside the dock, and a few seconds later Henry got off and walked towards us. He was wearing the same clothes he had been wearing when he had been imprisoned in the hatch, and immediately, I was surprised. Reaching us at last, Henry had a few words with Tom about not having his beard on, which was amusing. Once he finished reprimanding Tom, Henry, who seemed to be the leader of the group, (something I found odd, but didn't really surprise me) walked straight up to me and, looking directly into my eyes, said, "Hello again." Those two words sent chills up my spine.

Henry and Michael evidently had business to take care of, because they moved farther down the dock, talking all the while. As I was wondering what they were talking about, one of the Others, a black lady who Tom had called Bea, stepped forward. With the help of two other men, she dragged Hurley up in front of us and turned him so that he was facing us. Then, something miraculous happened- she told Hurley he was free to go, and we looked on in incredulity as she released him from his bonds.

Hurley, for his part, looked just as stunned as we did and asked about us, to which Henry, who had just returned from his talk with Michael, replied, "Your friends are coming home with us."

If I had thought Henry's greeting was chilling, that one statement was even more so, and I could see that Kate, Sawyer, and even Hurley felt the same way. The hatch, the caves, and our camp on the beach was more our home than being prisoners of the Others' at their camp would ever be. What if we didn't want to go home with you? That was what I wanted to ask, but I held my tongue, knowing they probably wouldn't tolerate such a sarcastic remark, as shown with what they had done to Sawyer earlier.

Hurley was clearly unsure of what to do, and he looked to me, silently asking me what I thought he should do. As hard as it was to know Sawyer, Kate, and I would be stuck with the Others, I knew there was nothing Hurley could do, and I didn't want to think about what they might do to him if he refused. It wouldn't be fair to make him give up his chance at freedom or get him into trouble just so he could help us. Furthermore, Hurley might just be the only way to let Sayid and everyone else know what had happened to us.

That was why, I gave a slight nod to Hurley, letting him know it was okay and we wouldn't blame him for going. Although he still looked a little unsure, Hurley also looked more relieved, and, without another word, he turned and walked slowly away from us, back down the dock, heading towards the shore. I just hoped he would be able to find his way back to the camp.

The sound of a motor traveled closer. Curious, I looked over and saw the Others' boat once again, only this time it was heading away from the dock. Inspecting it more closely, I realized the person that was driving it was none other than Michael, and that there was a boy beside him who I recognized at Walt. (Michael refused to look at us after awhile, but Walt looked shocked to see us in the state of captivity we were in.) So, in the end, by delivering us to the Others, he had gotten his son back.

While I was happy to see Walt back with his father, safe and sound, I couldn't help but feel angry at Michael for betraying us in order to get his son back. We had offered to help him rescue Walt, and he had refused our help, choosing to betray us instead. It was his fault we were prisoners. Then again, I couldn't help but feel a little responsible for our current predicament too, especially when Kate locked eyes with me, looking for some small shred of hope, some small promise that everything was going to be okay, that we would see each other again, just before the sacks were again forced over our heads.

I was the leader. I was supposed to make sure everything turned out alright; I was supposed to make sure everyone was safe. But I had failed. I hadn't done my job. And I would have to live with that failure for every day to come.

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**A/N: **Well, Jack's POV is finally done & this oneshot is officially complete! When I typed it up, it looked extremely long (almost 10 pages!), but I don't know how long it will be when I upload it. Hopefully, Jack wasn't too OOC since, for some reason, he was a little more difficult to write, and I also hope everyone enjoyed the story. Once again, I will most likely be starting the story with Locke's POV as the first chapter next, but if anyone would like to see the story with Sawyer's and Kate's POVs before that, let me know. Also, for anyone who's confused on how I'm setting the series up, please check out my profile page, where you will find the information on the series under the "Announcements" & "The Choices Series" sections. 

And a note to everyone who is reading my newer future Jate fic, _Always On My Mind_: I am planning on having the next chapter done by the end of this week, and the epilogue done not long after that, definitely before I leave for Pennsylvania on vacation on the 14th of this month.

As always, thanks for reading!

LostObsession, a.k.a. Ana


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